Rio de Janeiro, get over yourself!  Wiarton, Ontario has emerged as the hot new Olympic/Paralympic venue.  It’s where all the buff athletes of the International Trail Olympics go to strut their toned thighs and rippling abs.  And this blog was there to catch the live action!

I can’t possibly cover all the exciting sports, so I will limit myself to just a few of the most hotly contested .   There was fierce competition for the Random Chunk of Limestone Clean and Jerk, as evidenced by the following photos:

Silver Medalist for the Limestone Clean and Jerk shows the strain of competition.

Gold medalist effortlessly lifts a massive chunk of limestone

Bronze medalist shows her muscular form

Another exciting sport was the One-Legged Mossy-Rock-Balancing competition.  We had some serious contenders in this one:

International Mossy-Rock-Balancing athletes in dead heat for the medals.

The competition for the Poisonous Mushroom eating event was slim.  We don’t seem to get many repeat contenders for this event.   But we had one!

This athlete shows off her months of training for the poisonous fungus-eating event.

Here is the mushroom eaten by the (late) medalist from last year’s competition.

There’s no shortage of poisonous mushrooms to choose from for this event.

We had flag-bearers, of course.  This duo were the winners of the Dash-Across-The-Road- Without-Getting-Hit relay.

The flag bearers representing both Canada and the Limestone Ladies!

One of my personal favourite events is slower paced but still requires skill and intense training.  It’s the Posing-in-Front-Of-Gorgeous-Scenery-While-Looking-Outdoorsy event.  Here are the winners:

Winners are judged on their posing technique, outdoor attire, and the scenery they choose!

We had rhythmic gymnastics and stile-ballet:

This hiker had a leg up on the competition.

Note the cleverly disguised pointe slippers.

There was an eerie moment during the hike when we came upon what appeared to be a stash of concrete coffins lying by the side of the trail.  Can you say weird and unexpected? But in the spirit of “work with what you’ve got,” they provided inspiration for a new sport:  Coffin-Top Push-Ups.

Yes, those are coffin lids!

Here are some pictures of the thrilled medallists:

Happy medallists

All her years of training paid off

In addition to gold, silver and bronze, we also awarded the coveted Clay medal!

Athletes on the podium with their medals

And here is a photo of Team Limestone, showing their exuberant Olympic spirit:

The athletes, arriving at the Olympic stadium in Wiarton, Ontario.

But the athletes’ joy was short-lived.  An ugly rumour started to circulate that perhaps the judging was not impartial.  Medallists in the Crevice-Leap and the Throwing-Rocks-At-Other-Rocks were clearly not the best athletes.  Could there be corruption in the ranks?  Then we recalled the Maryhill judge, who was seen with a nefarious smile while  flashing a wad of cash the night before.  Questions were raised about her private jet and her yacht named The Malfeasance.  We were unable to catch up with this judge to question her, as her Rolls-Royce pulled away just as the throngs of reporters descended.   So… stay tuned for next year’s competition to see if the Trail Olympics will get cleaned up!

Wanted!  For graft and corruption! Interpol has issued an alert across six continents.  If you spot this person, report her location to the International Trail Olympics anti-corruption squad. Do not approach her directly!