October 24 and 25, 2015: The Perilous Life of a Bruce Trail Hiker

We had a wonderful double-hike weekend, which was also our 3rd anniversary.  With so much excitement and so many great photos and stories, I decided to do this month’s blog a little differently.  Rather than blog the story in chronological order, I’m going to write a series of articles about the weekend, starting with this one:

Life Hanging By A Thread: The Dangers of the Trail Lifestyle

Many people perceive the lives of us semi-professional hikers as being full of glamour and international intrigue.  You know of our couture fashions, our impossibly high stiletto heels, our merchant banker toyboys, our limited edition sports cars & our exotic pets.

But what you may not know is the peril we live through on each and every hike.   It is the job of this blog to educate the masses about our daring and derring-do.  You will enter into our secret world of hidden threats and close escapes as we expose the dangers of the Bruce Trail lifestyle.

Here are some dangers our brave ladies face on every single hike:

We cross rickety bridges with a troll living underneath:


Here is the innocent young hiker, bravely crossing the perilous bridge.  Note the troll’s arms reaching  out from under the logs.


And here is the Troll. Note that the Ladies have completely subdued him using their special powers.

We get swallowed up in tall grass and run the risk of losing ourselves and our companions:


Only 5 hikers left.  We started out with 12!

We are at constant risk of falling into crevasses:


Down she goes!


Here is the gutsy hiker who fell into the crevasse and climbed out using only her fingernails and her wits.

We are constantly at risk of being afflicted with “trail madness.”  This terrifying disease strikes suddenly and causes its victims to lose their balance.  There is no cure.


Here they are, poor things. Trail madness is worse than Ebola. The first symptom is windblown hair and it rapidly progresses to requiring poles to walk. Note how off-balance they are.

And then there are the escarpment pirates!  They are talked about only in hushed whispers, but they are greatly feared.  If they capture you, you are forced to “walk the plank”  to a watery grave.


Captured Limestone Ladies walking the plank. Note the unique subspecies of escarpment crocodile living in the moat below. These crocodiles feast on fallen hikers.   (Pirates not shown)

One little known fact is that the Bruce Trail is thought to be the original Garden of Eden.  Legend has it that Eve still roams the trail, apple in hand.  This is not good if you happen to be a guy named Adam.


Here she is, Eve with her forbidden fruit. We were safe as none of us are named Adam.

There are many trees along the trail which are really ghouls and goblins imprisoned inside tree trunks.  They express their rage by dropping branches on hikers as they pass by.  A deadly peril!


This tree did its best to crack a few craniums with its falling branches. Lucky that the Ladies are made of tough stuff!

One menace that seems so innocent is the presence of fallen apples underfoot.  Their cheery red and yellow skin belies the hazard of the slippery, rolling flesh.  There were a LOT of apples on this section of trail and we learned to step carefully!


This is the actual Bruce Trail! It’s like walking on billiard balls!

The trail is always full of cracks and crevices and one pitfall of autumn hiking is that these cracks are covered in leaves.  The unsuspecting hiker puts her foot down onto…. air!


This is the reason why many dedicated BT hikers have peglegs.

Many of you readers are currently enjoying a comfortable chair, a mug of hot tea or a glass of fine wine.  Spare a thought for us, the Bruce Trail hikers, huddled on our damp log, eating soggy cold rations as the rain pelts us mercilessly.


Here we are, eating our congealed gruel with icy fingers as the frigid rain torments us. We are in danger of getting pneumonia, pleurisy, galloping consumption, but we risk it all for the love of the trail!

Then, of course, there is the little-known peril of running into a dastardly tree-hugger along the trail.  Unsuspecting hikers can approach the carefully camouflaged tree-hugger and be unaware of the menace until she has them in her grasp.


Here the innocent hikers approach the tree-hugger in its natural habitat. Note how the hugger blends into the forest. This is the secret to its deadly success. These hikers were last seen handing out leaflets for Greenpeace.

The one hiking hazard we have all experienced many times is the certain risk of having a great time with fantastic people.  I cannot think of another venture which has so consistently brought such joy into the lives of those who venture forth to experience it.  Long live the Bruce Trail!


Here we are, celebrating the end of the Beaver Valley section. It was a very beautiful section and we loved our time spent there, but ya gotta move on!


About idreamoftobermory

Hiker, kayaker, canoeist, cross-country skier, cyclist, wanderer, adventurer.
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1 Response to October 24 and 25, 2015: The Perilous Life of a Bruce Trail Hiker

  1. scouterdeb says:

    Another great hike and another fantastic blog!

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